Sad…

I had 10303 views of this page before resetting it.  Now it’s 10304…  I actually started keeping a list of the “referring addresses” of my views that were from search engines — what I saved were the search terms that have rendered one of my entries in their results.  What that means is that somebody in the world searched for such and such a term, saw my journal in the results, and visited it; at least they loaded the page once.  And what that means is that my entries contained those terms somewhere in them.  The search engines included Google, some Chinese one (Baidu?), the Windows Spaces web log search engine, and… maybe Yahoo, and a couple from a Korean one, and… some from a web journal search engine.

I thought some of the terms were funny…  Some are just weird, and some are disappointing.  In case you didn’t know by now, the Internet is the tonsil of humanity, a collection of every malevolent virus of thought that infects our race.  Of course the intended subjects didn’t always match, even if my entry contained the desired words.

Well, I might as well put them here, now that I mention them.

Some of them I didn’t record every time because they were duplicates (“woman picture”, for example, which was a fairly popular term).

fundamentalist movement
Korea culture
woman picture
permanent address
American attitude toward marriage
America and China’s Relationship
byword money
tugso
Science is more important than religion in today’s world
welfare of China
Bjorn Lomborg
Bjorn Lomborg The Skeptical Environmentalist
“Lock Your Hearts” Spencer W. Kimball
DAECHEONG
let the wards remain unsaid
E. E Communing somewhere
exclusion of non-mormons to mormon weddings.
the view about homosexual
children are the gifts of god
woman picture
“Olivia cory”
don’t quite poem by jill wolf
haiku about clouds
pilot in hk
how to face anxiety in modern life
homosexual picture
hintons laugh
misfire
suseo church
identity in britain
“brian romrell” + utah
” long church names
Oyuna – social
korean stamps
separation of church and state is important for america
homosexuality cause
“my promise is forever with you”
learn mandarin [this visit was to post a spam ad comment…]
Beautiful woman Nature Videos
hot younger lovers
“Elder Pepper”
the fellowship of the unashamed eyring
quote fhe lord giveth and the lord taketh away
mom and boy movies
Live in a society in the past few years, I have always been upholding the right side with a friend
SEXUAL TENDENCY
immorality behavior in campus
battulga tumurdash
genetic stock
stinging heart
sister lam
this is __our difference lies this is __our difference lies
joy heugly
cherilyn van milt
“toni venema”
china Pornography
demonism and pornography
“final entry date” korean visa
gay [very many searches, after my “Gay” entry]
arabian learn chinese in shanghai
woman picture
“peter hoj” wife
LDSBC
“My Guide is reliable” Eyring
jeong mong ju statue
Astle Heugly wedding
a hotel balcony
jaredita subandriyo
myspace private profiles
the content of the constitution of America
BYU-Hawaii
c-3 visa Korea
Jaredita Subandriyo BYU-Hawaii
views on homosexual
letter of guarantee visa
korea shikdang
Internet negative influence
US Constitution and Enlightenment
jaredita subandriyo
ideal lifestyle
gay marriage in Scandinavia
morality of jesus
militarism of Japan
eunhee
*eunhee at hotmail
Pornography flim

…Well.  I guess after putting up that, all of these searches will potentially be repeated… and they’ll all point to this same unrelated entry. ;p  Too bad.

After the entries get archived, it’s impossible to search them out anyway, except going through them one by one.  Very tedious.  Most of these visits bore no fruit to the searchers.

Well, now for the journal.

I’ve been so sad today.

I haven’t blocked the depression triggers enough in my mind, these days…

I know the reason.  It’s the same reason that I’ve always ever gotten depressed: loneliness, an empty heart.  Broken love.  Broken trust, broken hopes.

With love, I’ve made one wrong decision after the other.  Claire, Ching, Eunhee, Bomie.  Each time was more appropriate, more deserved, more hopeful… but each time the failure was worse than the last.

So then, the first was a virtually non-existent relationship; I had no real business being sad over it; while the last was near to an engagement of marriage.  But whether it was a deserved, actual relationship or not, let me say that each time would have yielded a blessed life for both of us, if the recipients of my attention had not unconsciously been so self-loathing as to reject the devotion I was waiting to give them.

The first three have now married, and apparently well.  May God prosper them.  I have forgiven them.

The fourth… is why I am now depressed, always close to tears.  I’ve tried hard to forget her betrayal, but it was still betrayal, and it still robbed both of us of immense happiness we could have had.

I’ve tried to be friends, which seems to have worked very well while it lasted; but that friendship just kept me hoping for her, deep down.  Finally, it seems that the friendship may have been fatally wounded by an argument we had, which was the result of me caring too much about her still.

On the other side, I’ve also tried to distance myself.  Every time I do that, this blackness comes upon me.  It was this way with Eunhee too, and so I expected I would eventually outlast it also with Bomie, although it’s a tremendously painful process.  I’ve thought that at least my endurance of this depression has gradually increased over the months, but…  I don’t feel so now.  I feel as empty as ever.  But my life has not been interrupted yet like before, probably because of the comparative seriousness of the daily activities I’m involved in; perhaps because of my spiritual path being significantly straighter.  Still, as I go through the motions at work and school, I feel… just… empty, lifeless…  I feel so old, and so dead.

…And as I looked in my car mirror today while sobbing, I thought… that I looked old, too.  I have these strange, sad wrinkles…  My eyes droop.  There’s no cheer in my expression… I’m ugly.  I think I’ve finally lost my youth, with this fourth girl.

I’m 25…

Oh, I’m surely getting closer to death, as the years creep forward.

I’m changing a bit, aging on the inside.  Some things don’t bother me or anger me any more.  I feel a lot more patient with things.

I seem to take less risks, generally… though I’m still an amazingly risky driver.  I hope that changes soon.  I’ve only ever consistently driven cautiously when I’ve had somebody to stay alive for… and I haven’t had one for a long time.

…For almost a year now.  Almost a year ago…. 11 months ago… my heart was stabbed from behind.

We’ve kept talking for most of this year.  But now we’ve stopped… and I feel awful.  We’ve stopped before for several-day intervals, or a week — rarely longer than a week, because I would get too depressed, or she would forget her anger.  But we’re on track now for setting a new distance record.

She wants a new start when she comes here.  …I guess that means a new start from me.

Well, I suppose she’ll always be wanting a new start, until she learns how to love.

Funny how she told me during our argument that I “didn’t know what love was”.  She kills my love, and then blames me for not loving.  She forces me to reject her, against my will, and then blames me for not accepting her more.

I would have been so, so much more perfect for her today… if only she hadn’t betrayed me…

And, she’s found a replacement friend, again.  When she first left me, did she not lose something she needed?  Of course she did; but she filled the void with others; she replaced me with her good friend, and with elders and sisters; and when they left, she replaced them with new ones.  Then when the new ones left, she started to replace them with me again… but now she has options again, so of course she’ll put me aside, like always.  She’s promised herself to never make me first again.  She knows that that place is for the one she loves, and she’s determined not to love me.

Why?  There is no reason.  She just… decided it in anger one day, and never went back.

Anyway, I sit here in darkness.  I guess she would come back to friendship if her current replacements… replaced her.

But, I can’t keep relying on her.  She’s a well that goes empty, a river that goes dry, only filling again during sporadic rainstorms.  I can’t count on her.  Her support died a year ago.

I’m satisfied when I think of the justice of God…  I know this betrayal of me came after I betrayed others who depended on me.

…And I know she will get the same recompense someday.  At that day, she will understand what she now considers my psychosis.

But, I can’t trust in her anymore.

One, two, three, four…  If I get a fifth love, it will be perfect; and losing it, I will surely burst into flames and perish.  There will be no enduring that depression.

………Then maybe I can endure this one, looking forward to that… ecstasy by immolation.

It was another hand, anyway, that smote me today: that of my friend Tugsuu.

Oh, she has been so much worse… and yet so much better to me than my fourth love.  She should have been my fourth love.  She would not have betrayed me, perhaps, if I’d accepted her at the start.  Like me and Bomie, Tugsuu maybe would have been so much more angelic today if I hadn’t demonized her.

…But, anyway, betrayed me she has, at last.  …In every way she could.

She has rejected every good thing I could possibly offer her…  My tears today were prompted by her.

Well, I could still offer her forgiveness, I guess.

I met a Korean girl at school today.  I’ve seen her around for a couple weeks…  It turns out she’s been going here for three semesters.

…To tell the truth, I wanted to meet her because she reminded me of Bomie… only, somewhat less pretty — forgive me.  But her less-prettiness was a reassurance that she would not develop the arrogance, the narcissism of Bomie, which led her to betray me.

Anyway, I met her today.  She was from Seoul.  I was so interested in her…  I wish I knew everything about her, and she about me.  In fact, I only wish I could replace my fourth with her.  Maybe she could be my fifth.

Maybe I could love her.

Maybe I could be happy with her.  Maybe she, finally, would not abandon me, like the others…

Maybe she would not tell me that awful insult, “I think I can find someone better.”  Maybe she would be grateful to be loved.

…We talked for a short time in the computer lab.  The last time I saw her, I tried to….. get a chance to talk.  Finding none, I decided to definitely talk the next time I saw her.  She sat down right next to me, today, right across the aisle, the front row, as I sat there in a puddle of misery, staring at the computer screen.  Park Sun-young, I guess she would spell it.

Well, I will not trust in love again, though.  I’ll expect my fifth to betray me, and will not give her my whole heart.

…Exactly what I did with my fourth… which expectation fulfilled itself… directly after I finally gave love a chance.

…Well… well, well.  Maybe… maybe God will… give it, the fifth time, and not take it away.

Either leave it, Father, or take me away instead.

…But, what more strength do I have to stand up against God?  My arms and legs have been chopped off.  I’m left to sit here and receive whatever affliction he will give me.  My tongue has been cut out — so I will receive his chastisement without complaint.

I know there’s a greater reward elsewhere than there is here, by any means, by any success in love.  If he saves me in the end, I suppose I will forget all this present misery.

And yet there are small blessings, not nearly enough to counterbalance the cursings… but enough to cause a smile, at least, to burst through the thick clouds of gloom.  Today at the intersection I met an old Cantonese woman and spoke a little with her before she crossed.  She didn’t speak English.

Earlier, there had broken out a brief but intense snowball fight between some of the kids and me.  They started it.  It was great fun…

-Steve

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5 Responses to Sad…

  1. Steve says:

    Ha ha ha.  This comment [now deleted] is the same spam I wrote about after the search term, “learn mandarin”.

    Anyway… wow, my first new comment. 🙂

    This spam asks a pertinent question.  Yes, I do still have interest in learning Chinese.  I still like Asia and Asians, though I contemplated getting totally away from them this year since they have been so terribly cruel.  But if there’s one thing I enjoy doing, it’s forgiving.  It’s so… powerful an action.

    Anyway, I still don’t really urgently want to learn Mandarin; still Cantonese.  And Korean.  My interest was renewed recently after watching a YouTube video of some Koreans speaking their cute Konglish.
     
    And still Mongolian, I guess.  I’ve been thinking about my 2008 trip.  I think if I don’t go to Mongolia in ’08, I might never go.  Same as Korea and Hong Kong, but…  Well, I’ve had my chance with those places, and the chances taste sweet in my memory.  Maybe Mongolia will change my life also, like the other places did.

    Oh, it surely will.

  2. T says:

    If you know Chinese no matter which one you will reap a rich harvest later in life.
    Anyway, you did .

  3. Steve says:

    Sin Ting, you’re a beautiful person.

  4. agkcrbs says:

    Hm. The first reply was a repeated spam message advertising the communist Chinese language, but this new hosting site has filtered it out for me.

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