Down-time

I was 20 minutes late for crossing today because the second big plane didn’t come till about 6:50.  I was bored enough that I started helping the DHL guy who had begun to scan packages, preparing to load them into their delivery trucks.  I just fed him some packages…  Some other guys do that job, but they weren’t there yet.  After the plane came and we unloaded it, I didn’t even help much with the small planes, but I still got out at 7:30 when I should’ve been at work already.  Then while leaving, this DHL trucker girl and this security guard were trying to push this container onto a truck, and I had to stop and help them.  People were scarce this morning; I don’t know where they went.
I’m not sure if I can keep both these jobs in the winter.  I guess I like them well enough, but Matheson (who contracts with DHL, who contracts with…. ABX? the airline) needs people who can stay late if the planes show up late, and Salt Lake City needs guards who can be on time every day.  I don’t know which one I’d keep…
For now I’ll just keep them both and see whether the conflict continues or abates.  I guess I really need to replace my watch though.

Eh… Dave helped me change my CV (constant velocity) joints in my Camry a few Saturdays ago, which fixed the clicking sound when I turned.  He told me to have my wheels aligned and also to replace my tires.  I intended to do both at once the next week, but I delayed because I wasn’t sure if I needed new brakes; I would like to do it all at once.  So I had withdrawn several hundred dollars, all I had left… but finally, hearing from Dave that I didn’t need new brakes yet, I determined that if crooked wheels just wear out the tires quicker, I would just wear them down more before changing them.  They’re not smooth or anything yet; they still have a couple thousand miles left, I expect.  I would change my mind if I started slipping on the road, but I haven’t really yet, only a few times on gravel when quickly pulling on to roads.

So I’ve just been spending that money on gas instead, which I’m using a lot more of with this airport job — nearly 200 dollars last month.

Well… I bring home almost twice as much at the airport than as a crossing guard (some rough estimates… about 520 per month at the one, about 320 at the other), and it’s a great work-out; and you learn a lot at such industrial jobs.  I really only got it because of my friend, though, to pick her up more easily… and then she didn’t even want my help.  I guess I could give up this job if I found a good closer one.  At least I would like to do it for several months so I won’t be a job-hopper.

My guitar is just sitting in my room now.  Another of my hopes had been — and you’ll think this is silly, but — to bring it to the airport and greet her with one of her favourite songs.  Well, I made that plan way back in spring when I was still hoping for her, before she totally rejected me.

Anyway, it will stay in my room.  My primary motivation for learning guitar better was… that she liked it…  I don’t know how much I’ll focus on it anymore.  I already haven’t played it for a while now.
Well, at both jobs, during all the down time, I’m left to just… think.  And what does my mind go to but the last conversation I had with her?
I’m not worried about this “obsessiveness” though.  I know it will fade in time and become dull.  Even after she was married and I had given up all hope and desire for her, I was still thinking back to Eunhee for many months; and not till Korea, over a year after we’d separated, was I finally able to get her out of my head.  And I went through the same cycle of loving and forgiving her, then blaming and detesting her, then loving again, over and over…. finally, FINALLY it dissipated, and I stopped needing her in my life.

When was that?  That was…………. in Shillim, when I had first started to have a serious interest in Bomie.

So now I will stop needing Bomie when I start to need another.

I know she hates getting written about…

But you know… when you convince somebody to love you, and you make all kinds of promises to them… when you tell somebody that they belong to you and you belong to them… and then you suddenly abandon them one day, saying you think you can find somebody better… and then start talking about the new cute missionaries you’re in love with…

…That’s…… just… sick.  That’s very wrong, and you’re going to have to expect people to carry deep wounds from it for a long time.  And you’re going to have to expect that they will write about you, and remember you in sadness long after the relationship has died.
You’ll even have to expect that they will “obsess” over you, and hope for you hopelessly till they find somebody else.
Yes, that was very, very wrong of her, to treat me like that…  She has no excuse for doing that.  She’s just a cheater.
…As my African friend said, it’s monstrous.  She calls her my “monster”.
Ah, I thank these African girls for their support in this lonely time…

Well, monster or not, we began as very, very good friends, and I have never stopped caring about her.  And now she’s coming here to my school…  The idea seemed amazing to me before, but now it seems torturous.  I don’t know why she has to come here after… hating me so completely.

…I guess this tiny school is still big enough to have our own unconnected lives, as she wants.  I don’t know what she will want when her world changes in a few weeks…  But anyway, I’m here for her if she needs or wants anything from me.  Maybe she has on me… but I have not turned my back on her.

Like I was there for Eunhee, that day in Provo… giving her a ride to her new lover in Salt Lake.
My love has always been selfish, yes.  And at the same time, it has been completely selfless.
I think that’s a good love; loving two people, as one.
Well, the last time I saw Bomie… neither of us wanted to part.  In the 16 months since then, we grew to totally love each other, and now, finally, to… not even want to talk to each other.  All from communicating online, and a smattering of phone calls.

Seems like fantasy, this bizarre outcome.  But it was fantasy to love her in the first place; it was… supernatural, and unbelievable; and it was miraculous that she would join the Church I loved and she hated.  So, as unbelievable as it is that she has now betrayed and hated me, I guess it’s… in character.

I should have expected it.

In a way, she made me alive, made me breathe, and feel…
In another way, she took away my life, and turned me into clay.
…In yet a third way, she had a most neutral and natural effect on me which probably would have been made by another girl in her absence.
Well, I forgive her.
And… while I can still say it… I love her.
…From a distance, of course, that she need not “fear” the happiness I would bring her, as she does.
Well… let her tell her lies about me… to others, to herself.  I don’t care.  I have only ever loved her, as much as I have tried to correct her.
Oh… someday, someday I’ll have something else to write about than her, someone else to think of in my free time.  Someday, I will love her no more.
I have tried to lay it to rest…  Just yesterday, there were two cute white girls in the lab that I tried to interest myself in.
I keep trying.  And even recently she has blamed me for that trying.  She refuses me, and so I try to force myself to have interest in other girls, to soothe my broken heart; and then she turns and says something like, “Amazing; you love SO many girls at once.”

So, so foolish.  I would have given everything to her.  I DID give everything to her — I chose her above everything.

Oh well…  If she can’t understand any of this, then… she probably needs to find a less intelligent match; I won’t feel so bad about losing her.

Anyway, may God take away my hurt, and make my heart happy if I ever see her face again.

She was… is… my friend.

“Too fragile”, she called me.  Maybe her heart is really made of ice, if she can destroy true love without ever looking back.

…Well, she looked back once, I remember, about a month after she left me.  “Why did I have to leave you?” she asked.

Oh… I warned her in spring that she would come to hate me, like Eunhee did.

Honestly, Korean girls.  Are they not heaven’s mistake?  Who among the dozens of my familiarity have ever shown me sincerity?

Let me please find one who can explode this awful, cold, hideous stereotype they’ve given themselves.

I’ve so much wanted to love Korea.

It’s Tuesday…  Maybe that…. Sun-young will be at school…  I’ll talk to her if I see her.
-Steve
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