January 07 2008

I made her cry tonight.  I don’t quite understand why.  She wanted privacy while shopping, and I was already feeling sad, thinking that I would only ever be a ride to the store, in her eyes.  Her life is already filling up.
 
I went to the car… I told her I was going there.  I fell asleep.  Later, she woke me up by knocking, distraught…  Something about how she didn’t know where I was, thought she was lost.  We drove home without talking, then she sat there… then cried……… then left…………….  She wouldn’t talk……
 
I feel so awful.  I barely made it home — I didn’t even want to.
 
At least I was able to turn back and apologize.
 
I want to die.  I never, never planned to make her sad here.  Now she hates me…
 
I hope I don’t wake up tomorrow.  I can’t endure thinking I’ve hurt her.
 
My life is so empty, anyway.  She would never care back, even if I hadn’t hurt her.  Nobody will care.  I only have the years left, with nobody to fill them.  I’m an empty book with no story to write inside.  This is not a life.  God please lobotomize me since you won’t ever kill me.  I need those crazy pills…  Reality is that I love someone who will never, never love me.  It’s a reality worth deluding.
 

I’ve nothing left to wait for.  So why can’t I forget her?  Do I need to give up my own homeland to her and run away to some hidden corner of the earth, and bury myself?  Will I never forget that I love her?

 
Life itself is the evil; my worst enemy.  Love is its weapon.
 
I will defeat it someday.
 
Ah, I’m nothing.  I made her cry.
 
I bet she hasn’t cried since the day she stopped loving me.
 
She spoke truly, that I wasn’t worthy to love.
 
…But she is.  May the drugs make me forget.
 
-Steve
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