I made her cry tonight. I don’t quite understand why. She wanted privacy while shopping, and I was already feeling sad, thinking that I would only ever be a ride to the store, in her eyes. Her life is already filling up.
I went to the car… I told her I was going there. I fell asleep. Later, she woke me up by knocking, distraught… Something about how she didn’t know where I was, thought she was lost. We drove home without talking, then she sat there… then cried……… then left……………. She wouldn’t talk……
I feel so awful. I barely made it home — I didn’t even want to.
At least I was able to turn back and apologize.
I want to die. I never, never planned to make her sad here. Now she hates me…
I hope I don’t wake up tomorrow. I can’t endure thinking I’ve hurt her.
My life is so empty, anyway. She would never care back, even if I hadn’t hurt her. Nobody will care. I only have the years left, with nobody to fill them. I’m an empty book with no story to write inside. This is not a life. God please lobotomize me since you won’t ever kill me. I need those crazy pills… Reality is that I love someone who will never, never love me. It’s a reality worth deluding.
I’ve nothing left to wait for. So why can’t I forget her? Do I need to give up my own homeland to her and run away to some hidden corner of the earth, and bury myself? Will I never forget that I love her?
Life itself is the evil; my worst enemy. Love is its weapon.
I will defeat it someday.
Ah, I’m nothing. I made her cry.
I bet she hasn’t cried since the day she stopped loving me.
She spoke truly, that I wasn’t worthy to love.
…But she is. May the drugs make me forget.