January 08 2008

Why the reaction?
 
Maybe because I still remember how she condemned, tried, convicted, and executed me a year ago, all without fair defense.  Maybe because I know I’m the one who forgives, while she’s the one who only forgets, never forgiving.
 
But sleep has been my elixir, and I’ll soon take another dose…
 
It’s a bad friendship.  It would be hard to laugh again after crying so hard.  I like her too much, I care too much, and her tears are a lot more painful to me than to her.
 
I would crave such a friendship myself…  But I need to stop caring so much, as she has always wanted.  I need to increase the coldness in the world, increase the broken trust of humanity, increase the loneliness; expand our hell.  …As she wishes.  I know she doesn’t want my love; so my actions must be without love.
 
I already lost her, and myself, a year ago when she left to "try to find somebody better"… so nothing that happens more will be any loss to me.
 
…And I’ll keep dreaming of the day when somebody wants me to care more about them, not less…  But that day won’t come; if it does, I’ll pass it by unwittingly; because when your skin gets tough from the harshness, you can’t recognize the soft touches anymore.
 
Last night I was going to drop all of my three to four newly added classes, thinking it unbearable to see so often the face I had made cry.  Now I think I’ll just drop down to two.
 
I guess I’m free… and empty freedom seems like the worst bondage.  I almost wish I was still waiting for something.
 
I don’t curse God; but I do wish to die.  Either death, or somebody to love, please.  The love would heal me and I would go on normally.  Joseph had one to love, and he could endure all his trials.  But please, not more of this poisonous rejection.  If she will never accept me, please take her out of my mind.
 
-Steve
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