January 10 2008

That night, some old Korean Church-member waitress got her number to spread around to some single guys she knew.  She made sure she "wasn’t my girlfriend" first.  As if any couple on a first date there would have to claim exclusiveness to prevent that waitress from prostituting away the girl.  And she was more than willing to provide her number.  I just stood back in disgust and watched it happen.
 
So she’s desperate to hook up with ANY guy… except me.  My head would have to be packed full of stuffing if I kept liking her after that.
 
Well, I’ve known that before.  If I had only found somebody decent, I would have forgotten her many months ago…  Like old Eunhee, who had to suffer through her hell of unilaterally loving me till she finally found that migukin to father her child, I now have to suffer through liking somebody totally opposed to me till I find somebody more deserving.  And now, Eunhee has entirely forgotten me; she won’t even answer if I try to contact her.  I’ve blamed her for that… but I guess it’s a testament to the intensity of the pain I caused her, which she never wants to remember.
 
So, anyway, if she forgot me so completely, maybe I can forget this girl too, when I find my "Rob".
 
On Tuesday she changed her schedule, and I added a new class with her for yesterday night… but she again made some comment that I didn’t need to join her classes.  We had a very nice time after that Korean restaurant on Tuesday, but when it was over, my thoughts went back to the restaurant, and all the infinite assurances she has given me of never being interested, and I went home in a daze.  Yesterday morning, I woke up and dropped that class.  I haven’t seen her since that night.
 
She’s found friends now…  I guess it’s time to stop spending my effort trying to make her happy.  She still needed a ride to one last store; after she gets there anotherwise, I’m sure she’ll forget me very quickly, like she did a year ago.
 
If rude, selfish Eunhee could find somebody after I rejected her, then maybe I can too… someday…
 
I know the suicidalism is only a side effect, and will subside if I can just outlast it.
 
It’s been a struggle to not drop all my classes… academic suicide, social suicide.  I don’t want to be at that school anymore.  Walking through those halls makes me feel sick…  I regret it, I don’t mean it personally, but I hate all the people there — all the single guys whom she would accept before me, and all the traitorous girls like her who would murder their lovers the instant they thought they could find somebody better.
 
I was so wrong to respond to her first ICQ message those years ago.  I regret that I had anything to do with bringing her here, giving her this opportunity to fulfill all her lustful social desires.
 
I was so wrong to love her.  I hope I can meet somebody soon, even just a temporary fix…
 
Like I heard in marriage and family class yesterday, everybody has the right to feel valid, to feel like they deserve a companion; our rejection shouldn’t be so unfair as to take that sense away from them.  Even if she didn’t accept me, I wish she could understand that, and not so blatantly and utterly reject me.
 
Ah, I hurt…
 
……But the hurt is selfish, isn’t it?  I should just ignore it………
 
I should… still hope for her happiness.  I assume God still does.
 
 
The strange truth is, I know I’m still better than any guy she will find, anyway.  And all the girls who aren’t interested in me, what are they?  They’re as children to me; I’m an adult to them.  I couldn’t rely on any of them to begin with, since my views are already so far past theirs.
 
They all want to worship the idols of the world.  Who among them can comprehend human life, unfettered and undistracted?  The best I’ve seen is that a few of them admit that they know nothing, trust in divine mercy and a good outcome, and go on their carefree way.  None are interested in surpassing this world.
 
Then, if this is my chance to step beyond the crowd and live more perfectly, though I must do it alone… I guess I can forget my sadness for another day…
 
-Steve
 
 
Hm, I just realized I’ve been underpaid for two pay periods at the airport (I’ve been keeping an accurate record of my timecards).  Although I’ve been overpaid for all of them before that (which is why I ignored the first underpaid week)… you still kind of resent it, don’t you?  When they tell you from the beginning that you’ll be overpaid, you think that it’s understood, part of the package, travel compensation, or whatever.
 
Well, it was a good wage, a steady income, and a steady outgo of labor, but…  I don’t know.  I need the money.  There are other jobs, of course.  I’ll give it maybe another couple of weeks, see if my pay is rectified — I’m never one to make complaints or demands to my employer.  I actually haven’t gone for these two weeks because, at first, I was sick and had no energy, but overall because of spending late hours with my newly arrived and lonely "friend" — and I would always choose faithfulness over a non-essential work commitment; and no wife or child of mine will ever lack my attention.
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