Wow, I called her… She’s hanging out with Namkyu instead of me (whom we ate with and skated with tonight after meeting at school), and she joked again about her "Spanish lover", and that she was sorry she had to reject me… and, sorry, she was low on minutes and couldn’t talk.
What can I do? I either go kill myself, if I ever liked her at all… or I forgive it instantly. Let it go……. be happy. Just keep being happy. Nothing matters. Still like her, still be fine. She’s a friend.
I think I’ll call again and be a friend then…
Everything’s fine, then. It’s the only option… or else I go drive off a cliff. But that will hurt. Not the body, but the mind. I’ve had pain before, but I’ve never felt anything more painful than self-hate. It’s so far beyond endurance.
Or…? Or just… stop… Be fine. Smile at it.
…O.k., I called. She said I missed her, I laughed it off. It’s friends.
Everything’s whirling in my head. Slow down… If I can just make it to sleep… should be fine tomorrow…
Everything’s fine, I’m happy, we’re cool, there’s no sadness whatsoever about anything… go to bed… wake up alive… repeat. Instant mental antidepressant.
"Remember, remember" this thought, not that other one.