Handicapped Heart

Unhappy these days…

I went to church, but hated it.  I couldn’t stand being there, seeing or talking to anyone.  I thought I might have to change wards………….

 
I’d have to lay down the calling…
 
Well, despite that thought, I felt terribly depressed and I left midway.  I had nowhere else to go, really…  I drove to the student wards.

I was careful not to go to the one she went to before.  I don’t think she went today, anyway.  They’re in the same building, different times.  I went to the later one.

Well, I found out my friend Tugsuu and her roommates go to the early one…  I only know one girl in the later one, Sasha the Russian.

 
The guys there looked thoughtless and the girls looked shallow.  I told myself to give them a chance, maybe go for a few more weeks…
 
I guess my goal is no longer to worship God, but to meet somebody…  Kind of pathetic…
 
Well, I don’t care anymore, though.  I want to die.  It’s either going socially, or not going…
 
And, I want to love again before I die.
 
…I guess I want to love again so that I’ll want to live.
 
Ah, so empty, this solitary life…
 
"Productivity".  Useless.  My money is worth nothing if I can’t spend it on somebody I care about.
 
I wish I could love somebody who would love me.
 
There could be no greater gift than that…
 
Well, I’m old enough…  I’m ready to go.  Go out, go on, go anywhere.
 
I’m tired.
 
I wish I had a heart…  Mine is gone…
 
I hope I can die a hero.  But there’s not enough danger here to expect that.  I’ve never seen real violence.
 
It will probably be… a car crash.
 
I loved for a moment.  Some have the opportunity to love for eternity; but my moment is worth just as much, to me.
 
I can’t ask "why".  Some people get companionship, some don’t.  People get different gifts and different deprivations.  This is my disability; this is my tragic loss, my accident, my injury, my disease.  It had to come in some form…  It was emotional, not physical.
 
My body was created whole, but my heart was born handicapped… blind, deaf, dumb, and lame.
 
Ah… how can I not regret loving her?
 
But, I can’t regret it.  She gave me life; she raised up a dead man.
 
Now, she takes it away…  Well, it’s her right.
 
Isn’t there anyone else to sustain me?
 
I’m so tired of this lonely life…  There’s no crowd big enough to take away the loneliness, because the loneliness isn’t on the outside; it’s inside the heart.
 
I’m worried I won’t love again.
 
Did it take me this long with Eunhee?  I moved on much sooner, but didn’t forget her… for a year…
 
But with this girl, I can’t even move on.
 
Ah…
 
I never want to bother her…  I know this undying emotion of mine bothers her…
 
I’m so ashamed of it.
 
Well, maybe she’s already forgotten me, though.  I’ll try to stay out of her path…
 
Oh… my love, after her, is all fake.
 
I’m sorry to everybody.  My mom, grandma… my siblings, who probably expected better from me… my future non-wife, future un-children.  My dad, whom I could not surpass in any measure.  I’m sorry to all the girls I’ve disappointed, and especially to this girl, who wants nothing more to do with me.
 
Ah… take me away tonight…………..  I’m not ready, but will I ever be?  Yes, take me up tonight, leave this heart down below.  Maybe this addiction will die with the body.
 
Ah, she came to my house…  I was so happy last week…
 
…So sad today.
 
Thank you, Father.  I hate it, I want it to end, but still… I can’t imagine a different reality from this.
 
-Steve
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