O Lord my God!

oh heaven, oh hell
 
first, i know god is just
 
though my hands or feet move against him, let my tongue no more speak against him
 
repent and you’ll all be saved
 
refuse, and you’ll still be saved, but half
 
this is the time to do it, today and this instant, the eternal present, there’s no other time for it
 
 
i never knew i was crazy, i still don’t know it
 
i’ve tried forever to stop
 
i thought i could last till I saw the resolution
 
everything she knew would change again
 
but i can’t last or endure, it’s my fatal flaw
 
"i guess it’s my fault for loving too much", her last words
 
on xanga, now erased
 
god, i lost her, she died, you took her
 
but take me now and i still won’t find her
 
she’s gone, worse than dead
 
she came
 
that old promise
 
"i swear i saw her opening up again"
 
but she remembered her mission, to hurt me, destroy me
 
all at once, sold herself at auction
 
 
i didn’t know i was the weakest of all, i still don’t
 
i saw her today, went away, and came again to inquire
 
another other boy appeared
 
"are you ready?"
 
oh, heaven…
 
he carefully picked up her things
 
i faded like a shadow
 
their elevator stopped at my floor
 
he was still smiling, in love with her
 
she told me her goal, a tuberculosis test
 
i left for my car, she followed two steps
 
but "this way" he told her, and she changed course
 
 
i began to feel sick driving home
 
my stomach was pulling in on itself, my chest felt empty
 
but i didn’t cry yet
 
i tried to talk myself out of it
 
maybe… there was some unknown reason
 
maybe she would tire of him quickly, like all her other boys so far
 
 
my grip started to fail, i slouched in my seat
 
i made it home and to the porch, and cried
 
by then i had felt it…
 
the only peace was in the thought of leaving
 
 
i can’t stand to see it again, another new boy’s gentle question, "are you ready?"
 
and never, never me…
 
i can’t see it again…
 
i didn’t know my own love was stronger than i was, but now i know it
 
 
i can’t go to school and see that again
 
i need to get the tuition fee back to my mother, and the book
 
i’m sorry to myself that i couldn’t be more ready to go
 
but i’m sure now,
 
i can’t live on this earth and see that again
 
and it’s never me, never never me
 
 
why did she hate me, so long ago? why did she change her heart’s "forever" to "never"?
 
maybe because i was crazy
 
but i’m crazy now because of her
 
maybe because i was dying
 
but i die now because of her
 
she hates that i’m a devil now, but first i was her angel
 
her baptism, and a day, an awful week, then she cut my wings
 
and i fell for a year
 
down to hell
 
but god will save me, i hope more than half
 
 
i can’t let her know my agony
 
because i came down from the tower that day,
 
and eunhee walked away
 
so bomie will never care again, my spring has set forever
 
 
it’s a pity to die in this cold winter
 
i wanted to feel warm air again
 
but first, a pity to die by her cold heart
 
 
i don’t even know if i could recover
 
if she came back
 
i’m so far gone, so oppressed, so broken
 
why she broke the one she once loved, i don’t dare wonder
 
but i always loved her, and in hell i’ll still love her
 
my cold wintry hell
 
and she’ll light up another
 
who never would love her
 
more than his life
 
 
god, remember my poor testimony
 
i tried to keep the limits blind men stumbled over
 
yet i stumbled
 
but my love was true, too true for me
 
please let me go
 
speed my hands and feet to their task
 
please save her someday from that devil
 
calling vanity in her ears
 
and when i’m gone, please, at last, open her up
 
that she might remember her love
 
and forgive me
 
 
i can’t see it again
 
another boy in my shoes, at her side
 
and not me, never me
 
i’ve got to go
 
i’m sure this time
 
let no hand dissuade me or bend my path.
 
 
you are a sad world, and your only hope is Jesus
 
i won’t miss you
 
but see that you heed the words of god; he speaks
 
 
ah, i fear his disapproval
 
god, please, know that i do it for love, no other reason
 
 
ah, maybe i can call her on a pretense
 
one more time
 
hear her voice, the one i loved
 
hear her rejection, or the boy next to her
 
oh, may she please be alone, this once, let her be alone
 
and i need a plan, something quick
 
i need to get my mother her money back, maybe 90 percent
 
and to call bomie once more
 
 
ah, no answer
 
it reminds me of eunhee, that day
 
but i’ll try again later
 
 
twenty minutes
 
she was in class, how could i forget?
 
she would know friday the result of that test
 
she would let me know
 
oh… if only she has the chance
 
but tomorrow is the day, i think
 
2 17 1982
 
to 1 24 2008
 
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