O Lord my God!

oh heaven, oh hell
first, i know god is just
though my hands or feet move against him, let my tongue no more speak against him
repent and you’ll all be saved
refuse, and you’ll still be saved, but half
this is the time to do it, today and this instant, the eternal present, there’s no other time for it
i never knew i was crazy, i still don’t know it
i’ve tried forever to stop
i thought i could last till I saw the resolution
everything she knew would change again
but i can’t last or endure, it’s my fatal flaw
"i guess it’s my fault for loving too much", her last words
on xanga, now erased
god, i lost her, she died, you took her
but take me now and i still won’t find her
she’s gone, worse than dead
she came
that old promise
"i swear i saw her opening up again"
but she remembered her mission, to hurt me, destroy me
all at once, sold herself at auction
i didn’t know i was the weakest of all, i still don’t
i saw her today, went away, and came again to inquire
another other boy appeared
"are you ready?"
oh, heaven…
he carefully picked up her things
i faded like a shadow
their elevator stopped at my floor
he was still smiling, in love with her
she told me her goal, a tuberculosis test
i left for my car, she followed two steps
but "this way" he told her, and she changed course
i began to feel sick driving home
my stomach was pulling in on itself, my chest felt empty
but i didn’t cry yet
i tried to talk myself out of it
maybe… there was some unknown reason
maybe she would tire of him quickly, like all her other boys so far
my grip started to fail, i slouched in my seat
i made it home and to the porch, and cried
by then i had felt it…
the only peace was in the thought of leaving
i can’t stand to see it again, another new boy’s gentle question, "are you ready?"
and never, never me…
i can’t see it again…
i didn’t know my own love was stronger than i was, but now i know it
i can’t go to school and see that again
i need to get the tuition fee back to my mother, and the book
i’m sorry to myself that i couldn’t be more ready to go
but i’m sure now,
i can’t live on this earth and see that again
and it’s never me, never never me
why did she hate me, so long ago? why did she change her heart’s "forever" to "never"?
maybe because i was crazy
but i’m crazy now because of her
maybe because i was dying
but i die now because of her
she hates that i’m a devil now, but first i was her angel
her baptism, and a day, an awful week, then she cut my wings
and i fell for a year
down to hell
but god will save me, i hope more than half
i can’t let her know my agony
because i came down from the tower that day,
and eunhee walked away
so bomie will never care again, my spring has set forever
it’s a pity to die in this cold winter
i wanted to feel warm air again
but first, a pity to die by her cold heart
i don’t even know if i could recover
if she came back
i’m so far gone, so oppressed, so broken
why she broke the one she once loved, i don’t dare wonder
but i always loved her, and in hell i’ll still love her
my cold wintry hell
and she’ll light up another
who never would love her
more than his life
god, remember my poor testimony
i tried to keep the limits blind men stumbled over
yet i stumbled
but my love was true, too true for me
please let me go
speed my hands and feet to their task
please save her someday from that devil
calling vanity in her ears
and when i’m gone, please, at last, open her up
that she might remember her love
and forgive me
i can’t see it again
another boy in my shoes, at her side
and not me, never me
i’ve got to go
i’m sure this time
let no hand dissuade me or bend my path.
you are a sad world, and your only hope is Jesus
i won’t miss you
but see that you heed the words of god; he speaks
ah, i fear his disapproval
god, please, know that i do it for love, no other reason
ah, maybe i can call her on a pretense
one more time
hear her voice, the one i loved
hear her rejection, or the boy next to her
oh, may she please be alone, this once, let her be alone
and i need a plan, something quick
i need to get my mother her money back, maybe 90 percent
and to call bomie once more
ah, no answer
it reminds me of eunhee, that day
but i’ll try again later
twenty minutes
she was in class, how could i forget?
she would know friday the result of that test
she would let me know
oh… if only she has the chance
but tomorrow is the day, i think
2 17 1982
to 1 24 2008
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