Having no friends to whom I could talk, I went to visit Tugsuu. I left my mother and sister with a final hug…
Her roommate told me she was at work. I went to the school to call Tugsuu, but got no answer. I realized Bomie would be in class… I wondered if she needed a ride. I looked for her; she was sitting in the classroom, and the class was supposed to go till 8:00. Rather than interrupt, I just left, thinking that if I saw her downstairs and she had no ride, I would offer one.
I called Tugsuu again and arranged to give her a ride between jobs; she also got off at 8:00. I got the address and went there shortly before 8:00 but I couldn’t find the place exactly, nor see her anywhere. After 5 or 10 minutes, I went back toward the school so I could call her again and clarify, and there was Bomie walking home with her stuff. I turned around and gave her a lift home and we talked for couple minutes, then I called Tugsuu on her phone. I revealed nothing to Bomie about my feelings… and she talked in her same monotone, uninterested manner. Neither of us offered a hug. She went inside and I went to Tugsuu’s work.
Tugsuu was waiting outside. She had about 45 minutes until her next job started. We went and parked outside the place (Church office building) and talked… I made little effort to hide my distress this time, and she ascertained my emotions and advised me right up till her work started, at 9:00… and we hugged.
I left there so confused… because the idea had come to me while talking to her that she might be able to solve my problem… if only I could start liking her. I thought she might distract me… I mentioned it to her and she said she wouldn’t accept it if she thought I was going to hurt her again, leave her again. After she left, I burst into tears, thinking that I had been untrue to my love by considering Tugsuu. But I have held on to the idea. If, as some have said, Bomie doesn’t deserve my devotion, then who deserves it? Surely Tugsuu does, who has succeeded with everything Bomie fails at. I wondered if I could start liking her again… and where it might lead.
I’m still very confused by it, but, surely enough, it has calmed my mind and distracted me.
I was reminded again of Eunhee, but the other way around this time: I was the "Bomie" back then; I was the immature one too afraid to ever commit to one person, and she had to reject me to save herself, since I’d told her I wouldn’t accept her. She did write something once about having a great deal of pain from our time together… I started thinking that my young, poisoned little mind toward Eunhee at that time was the same as Bomie’s toward me now. I utterly refused Eunhee because of some bizarre idea I got that we weren’t "right", maybe something about our ages or personalities, and only after I lost her did I realize how good she was to me.
Well, if Bomie’s mind is shrunken and narrow now in the same way mine was then, maybe I can consider another solution than the one I was set on… If the "right one" has been here this whole time, in front of me…
Well, I could like Tugsuu again, I think. She’s just so, so, so much better to me than the rebellious girl, so much more deserving, so much more mature and kind-hearted, so much better prepared for a relationship, and for life. Maybe she’s my Rob; and if God has been forcing me toward her this whole time, it’s not an arbitrary match preferred by a capricious heaven — it’s just that she is the one who has opened her heart, while Bomie’s the one who has refused to be mature. So it’s her choice that we go in other directions, just like it was my choice that drove Eunhee away to a better guy.
And what was I doing at the time? I was going all around after the girls I thought I "liked more"……. who turned into such disappointments later, leaving me to crawl back to Eunhee, only to find that she belonged to another. So I also wonder if Bomie’s many guy friends will be a disappointment to her… and if she will ever realize that she lost the one she should’ve wanted.
…And if she did, what would I do? I vowed to not repeat Eunhee’s deed… but then, until Bomie makes herself "worthy" as a partner, it seems like God will rather smooth the path with Tugsuu than the one with her.
So, Tugsuu wanted to talk again tomorrow, in case I still planned to do anything "stupid". She was so caring…