After we talked last night, I remembered that almost every time I have prayed about girls in the past couple years, my thoughts have at first jumped back to her, thinking that maybe I would want to stay interested in her instead… but I have always left the idea.
But…… what? I had disagreements with her, serious differences…… I thought……..
……But in the end, she seems to have found herself again, found her balance, be on steady feet…
And in the end, we both know how to forgive and try again, which is the cardinal requirement for happy couples.
In the end, we’re both "meek", as she called me last night. I was so glad to hear that. At least she can see me, both the way I am, and the way I am trying to be.
Maybe it’s a permanent solution, but maybe it’s a temporary one…
So I suggested to her last night that we didn’t have to be "serious" if I liked her again, but just as a "distraction" (obviously the wrong way to pose the thought to a girl). Why? Because maybe I still have a bit of "Bomie" in me, her mindset, and I’m afraid to commit to anybody less than 100% perfect, fearing that the next day I might have met that perfect one. Well, I was at least 90% perfect for Bomie, and Tugsuu is perhaps the same for me… and so far, that easily surpasses anybody else I know.
But even though I’m afraid of being stuck with something, I’m also a little excited with the thought. I’ve wondered what our lives might be like… We could combine everything and help each other so much. And the biggest help of all would be the love we could express without fear of rejection.
Well, I don’t want to put myself too high. Tugsuu might not even like me back; she still has her own mind. Meanwhile, she’s already gone through an entire relationship of her own. A few years ago I would’ve blamed her for that, and been sickened with the thought that she had kissed or held another person, or whatever… but now I don’t even care. A person’s heart is so much more important than their body.
Anyway, I know I would have to be totally committed, because I won’t hurt her again. If I met some other girl, I might be willing to have just a "fling", if things weren’t all that great, and maybe one of us would walk away hurt; but I couldn’t hurt Tugsuu again.
…Which makes me more and more hesitant.
But even if a temporary distraction… she has already saved me from the dread that was breaking me up yesterday. I woke up fine today, as my thoughts picked up where they had left off, imagining a relationship with her.
She saved me… The void inside of me is gone. I feel alive, like I can keep going.
And if Bomie ever grows up and comes back, should I keep following Eunhee’s example? Should I just cut her off, let her find her own life, even if she begs and changes? Should I care more about my "Rob’s" feelings than about hers whom I once loved?
Well, that’s the real reason of my hesitation. It’s not that I really care about finding a "perfect" girl; it’s that I know Bomie could be perfect if she changed, and I know I would want her the most if she could fix herself…
Maybe I’m suffering an intense deception about her. Maybe she can’t be fixed, and the goodness I saw before her baptism was just a mask. Maybe beneath her cute black hair is a mind filled with insanity. Maybe I would never, ever be happy with her.
How can I know?
The only outward signs she’s shown are………. selfishness, uncaringness, and superficial judgments of boys; while the outward signs I’ve seen from Tusuu are concern, friendliness, and tolerance.
I can’t know for sure, but if I have to judge their minds based on their words and actions, then Tugsuu is a hundred times better than Bomie is, because Tugsuu acts like she has a heart, while Bomie acts like she loves only herself.
Oh… she wasn’t always this way. I guess I’ll always wonder if it was my fault for breaking her heart 13 months ago. From what I’ve seen, her heart never yet grew back, and she lost the ability to love…
Just a little more time, and we would have come together completely. But she never gave me another chance after that; and so she cursed us both with a colder future.
I can say that the first few weeks of this year were… like a rebirth to me. I thought she enjoyed the time too; I know she did. I miss having her over; I wish it could continue. But she couldn’t break her habit of immaturity, couldn’t imagine being close to me again; she started checking out other guys, and stopped calling me; so I guess our happy times are over. Well, I’ll still try to be friends.
Hmm. I’ll wait and see what happens to my future, now, whether it will get any warmer with the weather. I’ll call Tugsuu, like she asked. Maybe we’ve been missing out on a lot of happiness of our own.
Death still seems like peace to me, but so does the thought that I could share happiness with somebody here.