Pretense

Hm.
 
I offered her a ride in the library last night.  She went back to her seat for several minutes…  I figured she was staying there, but I waited for a while, and finally I saw her put her coat on.  I waited longer, but she didn’t come out; she was talking to somebody.  Eventually I went downstairs and waited more, then went to my car and got some noodles to cook.  As I was waiting for the microwave, she finally came down… and then, before my noodles were done, she vanished.  I thought she went to the bathroom… but she never came back.  At last I realized she must’ve left for home.  I thought I must’ve missed something, and felt bad…  Later she told me that she had said a farewell, which I never heard, and when I didn’t respond, she left.  Anyway, after realizing she was gone, I went out in my car to pick her up.  I found her close to her house…  I told her I was worried about her, and hoped she wasn’t upset.  She didn’t walk away, so we talked a bit till I could think of no more to say.  I made ready to leave…
 
…Then she was hungry, and wanted to go to Myung Ga.  I first dropped off Tugsuu’s books and picked up my own book from where I’d left it at school.  At school, I crossed paths with Namkyu and another Korean boy.  "(Something) 아라", he said.  "He knows her."  He told me they were talking about Bomie.  I responded somehow, then went on my way.  So strange…  I already know Namkyu started to be interested in her, though.
 
Well, we had a nice time at Myung Ga…
 
On the way there, I had started talking about maybe liking Tugsuu again.  She didn’t really want to hear about it.  I wondered how she could still be jealous, even when she didn’t want me…  At the restaurant, we talked a bit more directly.  She said she didn’t like me in "that way".  I said that was fine, but asked her why she ever did in the first place.
 
I told her that I cared about her.  She knew…

Later, I asked her if she would mind if I went with Tugsuu.  "You do what you think is right," she said.  I told her that what I thought was right was liking her, Bomie, but that I knew she didn’t want that.  She told me to pray about it and I would probably get an answer…

After some deliberation, I told her that different answers come in different situations, illustrating that a person in one place would have to go in one direction to reach a certain destination, but if they moved to another place, they’d need to go in another direction.

 
Afterwards I also asked her if she had prayed before her baptism.  "Of course not," she said.  I was referring to her decision to stop liking me instead of a general practice, but I think the answer would be the same.

I know why she stopped liking me…

…Because of my rudeness.  I have it all recorded, and I know how much disappointment I gave her.  I know it wasn’t God randomly tearing her away from me, inspiring her to drop me, or answering some holy prayer of hers; it was just that I made her too unhappy sometimes, so she questioned her love, and eventually overthrew it.  So you can understand why for over a year I’ve doubted the absoluteness of her decision, and have never believed that we could never be "right".

 
Well, anyway, we went shopping later, and it was a very nice evening.  She had told me in the beginning that the reason she’d stopped talking was because of my rude "outburst" to her friend Jillian (I had told Jillian, who had just complained that guys here were too narrow-minded, that guys were simply intimidated by her; she seemed too strong and too "cool"), and that it was fine to hang out again as long as I didn’t "go too far". ><  Ha ha…
 
Well, if she’s just not attracted to me, then that’s understandable.  I mean, she has no reason not to be, but if that’s her preference, then… whatever.  In the end, I felt it was a very healthful interaction last night.
 
Apparently she’s going to Provo today…  I guess I won’t see her again for a long time, next week or something.
 
She also told me last night not to worry about her, and that she would get married in two years.
 
I wish I had reasons for liking her.  It seems irrational.  Well, we do seem to connect very well and have fun together…  I’m so happy to be around her.  But I guess all nice people connect well.  I guess my affection is still partly a remnant from the time long ago when she expressed her love so sweetly.
 
Ah… she’s nice.  I guess what I called "selfishness" was just a difference in perspective.  As I realized from her comments about Jillian, she thinks women should be more respected, while those I call "friendly", like Tugsuu, are willing to show more respect to men.
 
Oh well.  I see now that it’s my heart that gets shrunken too, since I feel so hurt when she gives attention to others, afraid that she’ll forget about me.  It’s a fear that screws up my feelings about her, makes me angry or sad…
 
Also, the thoughts I have about Tugsuu… are also based on fear.  Even though, as I said, they often came after praying, I remember that they still were fearful: I thought that if I lost her, she’d be gone forever; and I also feared that if I never found anybody else, I would have wasted the chance to be with her.

Fear, it has governed me.

 
Well, I like Tugsuu, and I like Bomie, and I like people generally and would get along with many different people; and I would still make the same choice if I had to choose.  I would choose Bomie, still.  It’s what I think is "right" — at least, I would think it was right if she accepted me; but since she doesn’t, I’m unsure about it.  But my peace now is because I pretend to not make that choice, because she doesn’t want it now…  I pretend to like others…  I tell myself, as I told the friend we saw at Myung Ga, that Bomie and I are not dating; "we’re really good friends."
 
And so my own poisoned mind is cured…  I don’t feel abandoned anymore, whatever she does.
 
Well, am I wrong to miss her?

Like I told her at the restaurant, I didn’t only lose my love, a year ago; I lost my best friend…

 
At the least, I hope I can be her friend.  If she doesn’t want more, then… no more.
 
So… pretend.
 
I pretended to be single yesterday, and I met "Ellie", a Korean girl.  She and her friends had seen me a couple days ago eating with chopsticks, and one of them, "Hillary", came over to meet me, saying that I should go talk to them.  "See, she’s looking at you," she told me about Ellie.  But I felt embarrassed, so after finishing my meal, I just left.
 
But yesterday, I saw her in the lab and went to say hello.
 
And I still have to think more about Tugsuu.  I’m really unsure about things today, although she saved me on Wednesday.  I have to still consider that she might be the one I should pursue.
 
Whatever I pretend, I hope for a lot more fun with Bomie, like last night.
 
-Steve
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