Descent

Today I saw a dead man… but he seemed more alive than I did.  I need to get away from here…  There’s nothing left…
 
I’m afraid my faith in everything is gone.  My heart and my head are empty.
 
Logic can never break, and logic is all I have left.  The Church remains; God works on.  But besides that, I know nothing.
 
I have no life…  I can’t even be sure I exist.
 
I spend a lot more effort these days feeding my body…
 
I don’t love her anymore… and gone with her is my love for everything else.
 
Why did she have to reject me…?  Why did I ever open my heart to her?  I’m so sorry I ever met her…  Somebody has profited by my misfortune.
 
I saw the prophet today.  It was a long, slow, steady line winding all through the Conference Center up to the room where the prophets’ busts are.  There he was, all wax-looking.  I cried on reflex, remembering my grandmother… and wondering too where God was, now that God-on-earth was dead.  Right before that room, I walked past the portraits of the apostles…  I guess I should start leaning on them…
 
Still, God is with me; or against me, I’m not sure.  But he is connected in some way…  He sees me.
 
I do believe that this affliction belongs only to this world.
 
Ah… I can’t teach anymore…  My head is empty.  My words are all spoken.  My love is all given.
 
I don’t want to see her anymore…  She butted into her friend Raoul’s and my lunch today, but we barely interacted.  She offered chocolates to us and his other friend, French Adeline…  I brushed mine over to Raoul, and she snatched it back without skipping a beat.
 
She sat by Jae-hyun (a guy in my class) and me at the devotional on Tuesday.  She said nothing to me, and when it was done, she left promptly.  Yesterday, we caught each other’s gaze through the window but said nothing; I kept walking.
 
I don’t want to go here anymore.  I don’t want to spend my extra time at school, hoping to see her…  She has never given anything back since she left, and she never will.  Only some little chocolate.
 
I don’t want a chocolate.  I want a phone call…  I want anything but coldness.
 
Well, it’s over.  Some around me, including my mom, have helped me to care less about her.
 
I decided tonight to drop my political science class after the teacher ignored my raised hand about ten times in a row, calling only on others.  Well, I had made one comment at first about how I wouldn’t vote for my favoured political party if the candidate was a "dickhead", and she gave a mild censure…  Anyway, I can’t stand being marginalized.  I’m out…
 
I can’t stand being ignored by her, either.  I need to get out of this awful place, this awful, beautiful school.  I have loved this school, I admit… but there’s nothing left here for me… just to finish some classes, finish the program, and vanish away to a different reality.
 
I have loved her, too, but she’s a walking memory.  In my present, she doesn’t exist — she’s chosen not to.
 
I just want to get out of here…
 
Walking back up to my car from the Conference Center, a little kid waved at me as I passed…
 
-Steve
Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s