Thoughts upon Waking

Ah… maybe I should quit this school.  I have no idea what I’m doing here.
 
Tugsuu encouraged me last time… then she turned around and knocked me down.
 
I’m afraid of what it might lead to, if I quit…
 
…But it’s so, so awkward and painful to see Bomie give so much kindness to 3-week-old friends, and ignore me…
 
I so much wish I didn’t have to see that.  It was on Facebook this time… last night…
 
But I will see it, as long as I go there… as long as we share any friends.
 
I see how weak I am.  I never thought this "love" would become an obsession of needing validation from her.
 
Well, she has no reason to be cold though…  I haven’t bothered her at all.  I’ve stayed as far away as she’s wanted me to stay…
 
And even when I leave her alone, she still has to… like… punish me… by treating me the lowest of anyone she knows.
 
She’s crazy…  Why can’t she even say hi?  I’m so sad…  The two days previous, she made no greeting at all, and yesterday, her only words to me were when she uninterestedly asked how I was doing.  I said fine, and that was that.  Maybe she ignores me because I seem sad; as if a doctor would avoid a patient because the patient was sick.
 
She gives such an overflowing portion of love to her friend, so many kind, caring words.  It’s so much, it’s obviously exaggerated.  She doesn’t realize that she once gave the exact same to me… then took it away.  And she wonders why I would be sad now.
 
Not just to her friend; she exaggerates her caring to everybody.  But to me, she exaggerates her uncaring.
 
Is she still trying to get over me or something, still wanting more and more distance?  If she’d really forgotten about me, she wouldn’t treat me strangely, differently, coldly.  I haven’t pushed myself into her life this couple of weeks…  Is she afraid of me?  I thought she would be nicer if I just backed off; but the more I leave her alone, the more she seems to disown me.
 
Maybe it’s her mother, again, whom she was calling when I went over a week ago.  Later she told me her mother had asked if she had met Steve…
 
What an evil woman, her mother; I can see where Bomie got it from.  She disgusts me, because she lashes out at her daughter’s life without ever knowing the damage she’s doing.  She’s a blind batter in a pottery shop.
 
Maybe I don’t know the whole truth about her, anyway.  I’ll try to forgive.
 
Well, I’ll try to not quit school, and not care about her… my… "friend"…  Oh, I dirty the word when I use it on her.  She has been so unfriendly.  She has turned love into a lie, and she now turns friendship into a lame joke.
 
Someday, please, God… help me to forget that I cared about her…
 
Well, some days are better than others, I know.  These two weeks, I haven’t cared so much, except for the bad days… which were about half of them…  I think I lasted about a week apart from her before the depression returned.  I’m making no progress.
 
If she really wants so much distance, I should give it to her.  I still want to make her happy, even if in this backwards way…  I’ll try again to forget and avoid her.
 
I guess it will be time soon to delete her from Facebook, again.  I guess it will be the last time, too.  If her platform was to kill our connection, then she’s on the verge of being elected.
 
I wish there was a way I could be happy.
 
Or maybe… I lasted a week, then she called again, and only then was I sad again.  Maybe I was already starting to forget her.  Maybe I just need to cut her off and tell her to stop calling if she ever calls…
 
It’s a terrible pity to do that to a "friend"; but on her end, she’s already stopped being one.
 
And then what?  Then I’ll find out later that she never thought she was being cold at all, and she just has no awareness of others’ feelings.  Then she’ll blame me and call me obsessive and over-reactive, and her coldness will increase.
 
Well, if so, I’ll know she’s really crazy and hopeless, and I’ll be smartest to just escape while I can.
 
She’s not attractive.  She’s not wise.  She’s not intelligent.  She’s not kind.  She’s not a woman.  She’s a weird-looking, loopy, ignorant, mean little girl.  I must try to believe it; may she forgive me.  Before this forced rudeness… I tried so hard to love her.
 
-Steve
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2 Responses to Thoughts upon Waking

  1. inonge says:

    it’s amazing to me how you have such feelings against Bomie’s mom, kinda makes me believe you have an idea of what i am going through with Michael’s parents. Do you?

  2. Steve says:

    Oh, Inonge…  …I’m so sorry…

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