"Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land unto the ninth hour. And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"
February was not a happy month for me. I’ve felt very lonely, even in the crowd. But it’s really just life as usual…
As I’ve thought back on January, I’ve started to believe that that month was a gift of happiness to me, in return for the year of sadness before it. I’ve been sorry that it didn’t last… but I should be grateful I had it at all. I’d waited 17 months to see that face again, and I saw it frequently for almost the whole month, and part of December.
It’s over now… I finally cut the ties on Facebook, including those who had become intertwined, and I’ve been spending my time brainwashing myself, reframing my reality. In my mind, I’ve tried to go back to my childhood, a time when I had no incurable sicknesses of the heart, but only my immediate universe to think about.
My life is a rather simple one now…
I’ve stood on my skateboard a bit and relaxed a lot on the computer. Today, my step-father Dave and my mother brought home a motorcycle. It reminded me of my own plan for a motorcycle, and we talked about which kind I should buy. Dave took me to the store they went to so I could see some of them, but it was closed when we got there.
Days ago, a new Facebook friend encouraged me to go to Mongolia this year after all. I thought about it… I thought that it was possible to go during the fall… But it’s either a mortorcycle or travel, I guess. Either way, it’s coming time for me to get another job again.
What has happened to me? Here I am, 26 now. I feel like the same boy I’ve ever been… but I’ve come far away from my starting point…
My dream has always been to live heroically, to prepare during the long times for those great instances of self-sacrifice.
I shouldn’t have loved those girls… not any of them… It was a perversion of my dream. I should have turned away from them at the start. Loving a person is like gradually constructing a tall, expensive building, only to see it crumble to pieces when an earthquake strikes.
What am I left with?
Only what Jesus was left with in that terrible time after those dark hours…
And all of us, this entire world, from Adam, have at some time or another been abandoned by our creator. When we assume God is the perfect antagonist of Satan, we ignore that it’s God who allows Satan his dominion here. Our God has understood from the beginning what it is to be alone, to be tried, to be impoverished of heart, so he will not spare us those things. Abandonment is a requirement of this life, to bring us into a depth so we can understand deepness. Birth itself is an abandonment, and if we knew clearly we would be crying night and day, "My God, why hast thou forsaken me?" But our cry would not be heard, until by and by we were recovered into the next world. And we would be waiting eagerly for that recovery.
But it’s life as usual…
Maybe I’ll have some friends in March. I have to just act the part I choose… and see what life gives me. God deals the cards, and we play the hand.