December 8, Monday

It snowed.  Seeing these black, shiny streets tonight… made me incredibly sad.  I cried hard for her, my ghost… Bomie.
While driving my mom’s truck to see if the church still needed shovelling (somebody else had done it)… I remembered how… even a year after she left me, she came to Utah… and was suddenly there beside me in my car, there in my house…  On a few undreamt of evenings, I was with her.
A few more days, and I’ll never see her again.  I thought that time had come already… but her face still floats around the school…
I hadn’t cried for a while this year, but then as I saw her again this semester, I began to remember her again.
I don’t know why I’ve been chosen for such grief.  But it’s not a holy grief; my own mistakes brought it… somehow.  I’m starting to forget "how" I caused it… but I won’t forget that it was my doing.
In the end, I may see that I was crying over my own blessing and salvation.
But tonight, my heart is sick for loving her, those years ago.
…I’ve prayed to be able to understand why she couldn’t have been… but then, rather… why she shouldn’t have been mine…
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