Step Up

I saw her everywhere.
 
My sister and brother later mentioned that they had seen her too, and had intended to get a picture of her exiting the stage.  My siblings only remember my constant repetition of the name from earlier days…  They have no idea how far I am from her now.
 
 
For a time tonight, my Hotmail account wouldn’t open, giving me the option to "create a new account" or something.  I was petrified, thinking that my irreplaceable, years-old e-mail had been zapped…  I sent some whiny feedback and then checked a spare account, which also wouldn’t open… until finally it showed an empty inbox.
 
I tried to decide which of my vanished e-mail would be the most valuable.  I quickly admitted that a vast portion of it was not actually a necessity in my life.  And I realized that the ones I would feel the most injured in losing would be those, among the ones that did have great sentimental meaning to me, that would be hardest to replace.
 
It came down to two groups…
 
The trip e-mail… and the e-mail from her.
 
And those trips, as final as I imagine them to be… can always be re-enacted.
 
But…
 
…In a hundred years…
 
…I could never again get such sweet words from her.  And my vision of that angel would be forgotten… which has shaped me much more than any visit to any country.
 
Above all, those words of hers would be the hardest to lose.
 
…But before long, I tested the waters and logged in again, with a slightly nauseous prayer…
 
…And I found all the e-mail still intact.  [My guess now is that the error was caused by the "wlcomm.exe" program being closed from the Windows Task Manager.]  I gratefully began to devise a back-up.
 
 
Today, anyway, she was everywhere.  I didn’t think she was close to graduating yet…
 
And I saw Marcella there.  Of all those at the school, she is one I have wanted to befriend…  Because she’s quiet and moves slowly, I’ve always wondered what was going on in her mind.
 
Yes, maybe it’s because of Eunhee.  But then, why did I want to befriend Eunhee, those lifetimes ago?
 
 
It was picture time.  Marcella left the line of students who were heading down the stairs to the amphitheatre…
 
…so she could take the parking-lot elevator, alone.
 
At the bottom of the stairs, I watched for her.  I regretted that amidst all the many smiles always surrounding her, at that moment she had nobody going with her or waiting for her, such easy things… although she later clicked her fingers at a fellow who’d arrived, motioning for him to take a picture.
 
Well, she’s never really wanted my attention.  It’s useless to think about.
 
 
And "she" also doesn’t want it.  But that’s a harder wish to grant when she’s front and centre in the choir for the whole graduation ceremony….. and everywhere else…
 
I saw her friend there at the school.  I haven’t talked to that friend… well… for the same 2 years.  And I couldn’t talk today.  When she walked past twice with only the slightest glance and no change of pace, I knew that I wasn’t real to her anymore.
 
Anyway, it was a… kind of twistedly sweet day.  I pity those thankless teachers who have to do this stuff every year…  I should never have resisted them.
 
I hope to be able to put pictures here or something for my 1-2 visitors.
 
-Steve
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