Rusted Hinges

I should just be happy for people…
 
I talked with KHJ today.  She advised me to graduate quickly and then go teach in the country whose language I wanted to learn, rather than studying them here.
 
She…
…will be getting married next year…
 
Well, somehow it’s just not the most exciting thought for me. -_-  Maybe in time I’ll be happy for her.
 
With her married… and as soon as… the one I loved gets married…
 
…Then, will that be it?  Will I want to leave Korea in my past, and move into something totally different?
 
My mom thought I only liked Korea and Asia for one reason: because of falling in love with girls from there.
 
I did study Japanese before that, and I did go to Hong Kong before ever liking any girl from there… but Korea obviously was something connected to a girl, and returning to HK was also largely because of that.
 
Mongolia I’m not sure about, whether I go for "somebody" or for myself.
 
Either way, it can be said that some girls I knew have opened up doors in my interests.
 
…And will they also close those doors…?
 
…Well, probably not.
 
Long ago, I once started to like KHJ… and after liking her, I never really forgot her.  So in the same way, after liking a language or country once, maybe I will never stop liking it.
 
…But…
 
…Do I still like that Chinese girl or the first Korean girl?  They’re mothers now…
 
…Well… somehow…
 
…I don’t know.  Somehow motherhood has changed my thoughts about them.  It should have been their marriages that changed things… but anyway, certainly motherhood has shut the doors fully.
 
Even if they became single again… I think I would not really… want to be together with them, you know.
 
Well, I’m not sure.  Maybe it was… the nature of the separation.  Somehow I feel a lot more friendly toward that Chinese girl than I do toward Eunhee, who has never in recent memory spared a single breath to say anything to me, except by mistake.  Somehow I feel no burning desire to talk to her again.  Maybe it was because of Kwangju.  But with Sister Lam, I feel quite happy to receive any e-mail from her, and she is very polite.  Maybe it would be possible to be friends with her — and, if friends, then…
 
But how about KHJ?  She said we could still be friends…
 
…But…
 
Ah, am I still so immature?  I’m 27, aren’t I?  Shouldn’t I be able to stare at people on my contact list and not be sad, even if I liked them a lot and they got married?  Can’t I just be happy for them? 
 
Something’s wrong with me…  …It’s kind of hard…
 
It’s never that I want to separate from a girl.  I only delete them so I can forget that I liked them… to avoid pain.
 
I’ve been wondering when I will delete these two remnants of Korea… KHJ… and the one I loved… -_-
 
If I do, I think it will be the last time…  The years pass, and there’s less and less reason to go back to old things.
 
I know I’m never the one who goes back and tries to talk.  I tried that before.  It’s like handing a knife to your enemy.  You can never trust again, not totally, after being broken.  Well, maybe you could, but it would take lots of work from both sides, anyway.
 
With the one I loved, I tried endlessly to talk again… and all that happened was that she began demanding that I stop loving her, and started making all these awful promises of "never".  I sure don’t need to hear that again…
 
I sure was stupid to hold on like that…
 
…And I am still stupid, to be waiting for her to… get married…… be a mother…… before I…
 
Ah…
 
Why did I ever love anybody, without knowing the dangers of love?
 
Well, anyway, I’m pretty sure I’ll have to delete them…  I deleted three Chinese girls recently because of being offended by their atheism.  Two of them wanted to talk again, so I talked.
 
But these two leftovers of Korea, these souvenirs in my heart, whom I have liked and loved at different times… …they never talk, anyway.  Once a month, once in two months.  It’s like those giant tortoises who can barely move at all; even the simplest steps take forever; but apparently they think that’s normal life…
 
No, I know they must talk more to those they care about.  The one I loved used to talk to me every day…
 
Well, it was I who made the mistake of believing I would be happy with them, this terrible belief that never seems to go away.  So it was I who chose to be sad now, even at the sight of them.
 
Let this generation pass away.  I guess I’ll delete them, or just not go online.  Maybe I’ll send an e-mail next year, or a Christmas note, or something… and maybe I’ll say hello in 2 years, and in 3 years, and 5 years, and — who knows — even 10 years… and by then, everything should be different, and I can finally move on.
 
Or maybe I’ll grow up before then.  Maybe if I like any new people in the future, I’ll be able to remain friends without sadness.
 
Maybe by age 28, I can be happy for people.
 
Hurry up, February.
 
-Steve
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