2009/11 – Rock Painter

I came home again today (Wednesday the 25th).
I’ve been living in Provo for about as long as I spent in Mongolia…  Things at last are starting to change, I think.  One of my prayers has been for more patience with all the lunatic shrieking, insane laughter, occasionally caveman-like English, and general childish giddiness of both my schoolmates and particularly those in my apartment building.
It’s been hard, but I think I’m slowly developing more and more sympathy for them… which does make it a little easier to ignore things and carry on, and even to wish them well in their affairs.
I actually had a somewhat difficult night on Monday as I went home after that conversation I mentioned, my invitation.  On Tuesday morning the feeling was muffled somehow, but returned as I went to school.  I became a little worried that the depression, that crushing memory of failure toward the one I loved, would settle upon me again after its long absence.  It had begun to when I wrote the last entry…
Then she appeared online, and I was able to consummate my invitation — to offer a pure gift that had been kept waiting for a long time.  It was perhaps too inconvenient or uncomfortable for her to accept, but the importance of it was that I was able to offer it.
And from that time, the sense of failure began to lift.  From then, my prayers were renewed in earnest… the same old prayers for another chance… and the obligatory, although more sincere, back-up request for something… somebody… to distract me, to soften the grip of my heart, petrified with loyalty, on its old love.
It came…
I was planning to work a bit longer in the library this evening, but it closed early for the holiday.  I checked the bus schedules again, then hurried home and to the bus stop to catch an earlier one.
On the bus, I remembered meeting Petra Pintar (whose name appears in the title) some months ago on the same Salt Lake bus, 811.  I’d seen her in the library recently too.
Two Chinese sisters got on and I wondered if I’d be able to talk to them.  One of them took off her shoes and set her gross bare feet up on the panel in front of her seat.  I figured she was a mainlander.  (Later on the train I saw some Koreans.  This place is getting crowded with Asians…)
Quite surprisingly, Petra got on at one of the next stops after those Chinese.  I caught her attention and she came and sat by me…  She was only travelling as far as American Fork, where she now stayed.
We had a nice chat reminiscing about the LDSBC library…
…Then she said something I thought was very bold, focusing the conversation on what had been peripheral.  She told me she would have gone out with me if only I’d asked…  She said it again soon after.
Of course it made me nervous, since Petra is somewhat beautiful in a way, with an infectious smile.  I’ve always thought so…
Suddenly I was thinking I might try to invite her for Thanksgiving.  Obviously it’s bad form to do something like that.  I’d told the one I favoured to "let me know if she changed her mind".  Although I knew she wouldn’t change her mind, you can’t offer something like that without keeping it open for them.
Still, Petra had practically suggested to me to ask her out…
It turns out, anyway, that she had plans for Thursday, but her weekend was more free.  So then I thought to give her the second invitation instead… but after losing my words, and letting the topic drop… she was suddenly getting off the bus.  I waved disappointedly.
Actually, thinking about inviting her to go with my family felt really uncomfortable.  We’ve known each other for almost two years, I think, and we’ve chatted a lot at school and taken a class together.  She also showed me pictures of her country and family once, her trip home…
…But I feel like I barely know her.  And besides that, as much as I think I might like her, and as pretty as she is, there’s a feeling that’s totally absent…
When I think of the one I loved, I feel like I would be willing to do anything for her, even now.  That was burned into me during the Korea trip…  She did so much for me that summer.  She came to my little room almost every day.  She was always there; I could always trust that I’d be able to see her or talk to her.  Sometimes she waited there at my room, though I didn’t come… -_-
Ah.  I could never repay her for that…
On the other hand, when I think of sweet, likeable Petra… I have no pressing desire to sacrifice, or put her needs above mine, or change my plans or my life for her.  At this point, it would be hard for me to want to go to Slovenia and learn Slovenian.  There’s that feeling of constriction that I want to escape from — that mad, selfish hoping for somebody better, somebody perfect (who never actually shows up), that messed up my attitude with Eunhee, and that makes me somehow almost glad to have been so permanently stuck on the one I loved, because it kept me from getting caught in messy, non-ideal attachments that I would come to resent.
Well, that would possibly change, eventually.  I might get stuck on Petra if we were able to spend time together…
I went on Skype an hour or two ago and saw Fan’s picture… and a strange guilt came that I haven’t felt since I returned from Korea in 2006.  That autumn, I quickly realized I was still sharing my heart with my "sister", Tugsuu, when I rather wanted to devote it entirely to the one I had begun to love.  From then on, she truly became my "sister", and has remained so… although I was too slow to keep from offending the one I loved… and she began to feel that same constriction, and left.
Anyway, I felt guilty for having talked pleasantly with both Fan some days ago and with Petra today…
The guilt was…
…Thrilling.  It was like I cared for somebody’s feelings again…
This… was what I prayed for.  This was the distraction…
I never want to go back to what I was: somebody who flirted with more than one person.  It’s a hateful condition; I absolutely despise it, and struggle to not hate all people who do it.  It’s a totally unholy disrespect.  If there’s any such behaviour at BYU, then let them suffer for it.  I have no pity for those who do that.  I myself suffered the most of all, over that…
But I almost felt I’d done it again, having called Fan pretty, and then having suggested to Petra that it was easy for her to find a boyfriend… and I warned myself to not do it again.  Better to stop talking to both of them than to deceive either of them.
Ah…  Well, I’ll just have to be careful not to throw myself back to that primitive stage… although I hope I can regain my former friendliness.  After the one I loved left, it’s been so hard to really want any connection with anybody.
Anyway, I watched the Mel Gibson and Jodie Foster movie "Maverick" with my mom tonight.
The two characters reminded me of me and Petra…  I have a squarish jaw, and she has a noticeable nose…
Hypothetically speaking, we would really have extremely cute children.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s