2009/12 – Divergence

How sad…  They all fall.
 
Maybe everybody falls.  But which ones stand back up?
 
I’ve lost my love of mankind… again…
 
I prayed for somebody, but they cursed at me today.  Not directly, I think; but they were words I didn’t expect at all — words a person says when they’re beginning to grow up and follow the common pattern of behaviour around them.  My prayers from now on would be faithless… and suddenly they seem a great burden, when before they made me glad.
 
These days I’ve prayed for a few, including one in particular who also has apparently not benefitted by it, and whom I’m not looking forward to seeing next month.  I know what I’ll see…: another of these dopey Asian BYU girls.  I’ve met very few who’ve seemed human to me.  At least Javza, my teacher and former classmate, is beautifully human.
 
I suppose the time has finally come to cut them out of my thoughts… again… my prayers and my contact list.  The one in particular would have been removed already if not for that throwback list that reasserted itself on my home IM after I got back in August.  Maybe its purpose was fulfilled with Thanksgiving…
 
Well, I’ll delay the rashness and see if the same mind is in me on Monday.  I haven’t had perfect clarity of thought today.  Monday will be the day.  Maybe Tuesday.  Sometime next week for sure.
 
Not yet Yiu; she’s connected with me again this semester, and was very kind while voice-chatting with me yesterday…  She almost completely repressed her cursing, and mentioned no riotousness… and then I found myself wondering again about an Australia trip.  I don’t know why I brought it up…  I’m really troubled about my schedule this year.  I probably couldn’t find justification for going there now…
 
Let’s check the prices…
 
Hm.  Over 1300 in summer.
 
I don’t know why I started thinking about going there.  In a way, I’d be terrified to see Yiu anyway, for fear of liking her.  I’ve always admired her sobre self-awareness and ability to frankly communicate.  But in other aspects of sobriety, I must admit, after consideration, that we’re on very different paths.  I have no right to try to drag her anywhere with a noose of affection, like I did with "her" in particular, who finally joined the Church and then excommunicated Steve.
 
I’m tired of thinking about others.  I’m tired of having to work in this zoo.  Someday soon I’ll break propriety and go do my noisy book-scanning in one of the library’s quieter sections, bothering everybody else to preserve my own sanity.  I have no love for these children here.  You can only love idiots from a distance, not when they’re standing there next to you punching you in the eardrums, or drooling their toxic foolishness all over you, even holding you down and forcing their mental vomit down your own throat.  I’ve added a few new words to my BYU Basic Vocabulary list, the category of words whose usage dwarves all the others.  Let’s see…  There are… "like" (approximator/quotative/recapitulative filler), "so" (intensifier), the negative verb "sucks", and the adjectives "awesome", "awkward", "funny", "cool", and "hilarious" (with possible inclusion of "sweet" and "tight").  You won’t really hear any other adjectives except by strange accident.
 
These kids are total idiots, degenerations of the race, and I’m ashamed to have to be affiliated with them.  And if BYU kids are thus handicapped, what can we say of the rest of America’s youth?
 
Well, I should not’ve been disappointed by that cursing today…  I oughn’t have been thinking about her in the first place.  We’re not parallel.  "Niceness" to Steve always seems to presage niceness to Steve’s foes.
 
I guess Heidi’s a little better than that.  She was once one of the kind ones, and she was kind to me again this week.
 
Thinking ahead to Christmas yesterday, and thinking also about a Mongolian girl here whom I’d overheard saying how uninterested she was in it, I remembered Tugsuu, who’d shared it with us… and I missed her.
 
-Steve

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