2009/12 – Presages

I just finished Star Wars 3 with my parents.  I watched 2 with them earlier this week.  I hadn’t watched them before; I think these were ones that I’d abstained from when they were new, to avoid the mindless unanimity of the trend.
It was a sad story of mistaken ideals… and the hideous pain of hurting the ones you love, known only to the betrayer.
It was kind of a scary movie to watch, at this season of the year when thoughts turn to evaluation of oneself…  There comes a time when you can’t make little decisions any more.  Your small, early, free choices have solidified, and all you have left is to mimic them on a larger scale.
I have good times and bad times.  The good are self-explanatory.  But during the bad, I frequently worry about where I stand in life, and whether I have crossed any lines.
Apostasy is everywhere.  You don’t need to look hard to find betrayers.  They all seem to follow the same ridiculous pattern, the same slight confusion of priorities that turns their judgements entirely upside-down, and that opens them to all kinds of deception.
And they all have their little pivotal points of decision, like in the movie… and apparently, they all have been shaped for the wrong decision by their recurrent mistakes.  Like with a spinning lump of clay being molded on the wheel, some tiny flaw or lop-sidedness becomes, at high speed, a rift that tears the whole vessel apart.
But we’re stronger than clay pots, at least a little… and we ought to possess the ability to counteract our wrong conditioning.  Some of us flawed vessels should be able to hold together until we can be reshaped.
And our scripts, perhaps, leave room for improvisation.  We don’t need to hurtle so blindly toward our falls as poor Anakin did.
Well, my life has been one continual blessing, if I am honest.
Truly, sometimes I’m terrified by doubt.  The more you learn, the more facts turn up for you… and against you.  Doubt is there, tangible, like a wall in your face… like you’re an idiot to question it.
…Never does it surpass that ethereal surety of faith… that strange, untouchable force that is so much stronger than tangible walls.
Never does it even come close.  You can’t resist or overpower such realities…  With faith, you can pound your way through a wall of doubt with your fists.  It’s… a feeling that’s alive, while doubt is a lump of dead matter.
And, as the doubt is sometimes tangible, so is the deadness of the doubt also palpable.  Like a wall too, you know that death waits there in front of you if you choose doubt.  Just like everybody, every viewer, knew for the whole movie… the sad fate awaiting Anakin…
…I’ll take my many blessings gladly, and I’ll bear my few cursings patiently.  And if it proves to be such, I’ll take this hatred of betrayal for my shield… against all this apostasy, both around me, within me, and far from me… knowing that there are some loyalties that fulfill all others, so that if you’re loyal to the part, you retain the whole… but that lacking the head, your entire body of ideals will perish in the filthy corruption of misinterpretation.
I pity those apostates… and I pity myself for being like them.
But, till this very day, I have evaded that ultimate choice, by my smaller decisions and my favourable script…
…I think I have not crossed that hateful line.
Although everything stiffens with age, even during your twenties…
…I think…
…that I am still alive, and still free.
Last year was blest; may this year be too.
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