Wow, I wonder if I can still write… Let’s give it a try.
So, about a year ago, I had finally prevailed upon my dear wife to submit to more child-carrying. We returned to the same clinic, in Dae-jeon, that had successfully merged our two sons. I hoped for the best, but had some pessimistic statistics floating around my head…
I believe three of her eggs were harvested, a decrease from last time. Two fertilized sufficiently normally to implant. We were anxious for our first scan; I hoped for a repeat of last time’s double pregnancy. It was not to be; one had died. One, thank heaven, lived, and grew and grew.
We two now existed in female form.
It was easier for M.S. this time, despite her still fairly remarkable abdominal size. We had some difficult moments of conflict, particularly toward the end, but our separation aversion persisted, and we were not overcome by it. We had started at a maternity clinic called ‘Han-byeol’, but before long, had transferred to a smaller place, ‘Pu-reun’. The head doctor there, a kindly, religious man with long hair, managed the pregnancy and ultimately, on October Fourth (a holiday), removed our child by surgery. I was extremely grateful for our doctor’s tolerance of my presence during the surgery, during which I video-recorded nearly the whole procedure (becoming quite nauseous afterward).
For a while, I had wanted an Old English name. The best I was able to come up with was ‘Eadiva’ or ‘Ediva’, a modern-form of ‘Ead-gifu’, meaning, wealthy/fortunate gift. Instead of this, a somewhat difficult name had already gotten into my head, and never left. I named the babe ‘Dimer’ (I say this something like “Dee-mare”), an old Sumerian word for ‘God’, possibly in a feminine dialect. I wanted to render this as “Jin-mi” in Korean, but the wife refused it, as well as the un-namelike “Dae-mal”. At last, we settled on ‘Je-min’ (“Jeh-meen”), with the Chinese meaning, ‘Emperor of Heaven’, probably the best translation we could have wrung out of the foreign name, though not the most girlish of names.
She is a mild baby, so far. She caught a cold from her uncontrollable brothers, and went to the hospital (the boys’ birthplace) with mother. The boys were deposited with their grandparents in Jeong-eup (where I now am), and have been here for two weeks. The baby and mother went home several days ago, while I have been going back and forth between here and Jeonju. My nights and weekends have been absolutely joyous in the company of my beautiful sons. Everybody is mostly healed now; we may leave at the start of the week.
These children have made everything worth it.
I think our marriage is a little stabler than before — though even last week, I became so provoked as to shout horribly at her, outside in the parking lot, embarrassing all hearers. I drove off, but, not completely confident in her rational or safe behaviour under stress, I soon returned, and we talked it out.
Our love has grown painfully and slowly. But enduringly, I hope.
My dreams for months (years?) had been plagued by a beautiful woman (sometimes one face, sometimes another) whom I seemed to greatly, warmly love — dreams I longed to remain in. Lately, those dreams are infrequent.
Since my last entry about Donald Trump, I at some point realized my delusion of cruel prejudice against the man, realized his great worth and leadership ability, and, by election time, had completely turned in favour of his candidacy. My parents visited and kindly brought my ballot from home, carrying it back when they left. Yet it was a hopeless support, covered by so many dark clouds, so much rumbling, and so much hatred from his wrathful detractors. To tell the truth, on the day after election, we two had failed to recover from a dismal, draining fight, and were for the third time plotting our divorce. We simply could not continue, babies or none.
Trump’s victory struck me like lightning, turning the entire world electric blue. I could not believe it, at first. But as it sunk in, I felt alive, and irrepressibly hopeful… If Trump could win, then there was possibility in this world, and even my sickening problems could be overcome. Once renewed, our marital conversation immediately changed.
I later read some woman complaining that she was single because of Trump’s win.
…And I laughed a sad laugh. It saved me, at least on that day.
Poor, poor, miserable human beings, who cannot even think except in lies, who cannot live except by foisting their lies on others, depressing everybody together with themselves. The take-away from “Progressive” America is, you are either permanently evil, or a permanent victim of evil, and your only respite from torment is to live as an animal.
I wish they could have peace and reclaim their human dignity, but none can enjoy peace while stuck inside of fanaticism and delusion, with reality hammering from every angle, at every level of conscious thought. Probably any anti-Trump news you have ever read, or will ever read, will have been built on some kind of unrecognized absurdity.
But Trump, God bless and preserve him, was always just an underwater gasp of oxygen, four years in the waiting, that won’t last forever. My only hope for America’s continuance is, strangely enough, through America’s death. Only secession will save this doomed Union from the civilizational conflicts shaking the ground beneath it. …Well, there are some more brutal solutions, including seeing the cultural rot through to the end, but separation is the least bloody of them.
One would rather hope, with so much opportunity for communication, that the world would enter an era of peace. On the other hand, our growing conformity has made our inevitably arising differences all the more threatening to us.
As I once derided Trump, ignorantly, so I hated our neighbour, North Korea, blaming them for many past woes, and attributing all fault in our present national disagreement.
But being so close to the problem (and shocked at first that the now stronger South was unready to rise up and destroy their rival), very gradually, piece by piece, I discovered hitherto unasked questions about my absolutism. With the first, I thought (to simplify with numbers), ‘Maybe they are not 100% evil, maybe just 99%; still, quite bad.’ Then, the 99% was reduced to 98%. And if they could be 2% good, I thought, maybe they could also be more than 2%. I knew I had to get more knowledge about it. Before long, as I read and thought, discussing with my older adult students who represented the wisdom of this city (which happens to be one of the least anti-North-Korea regions in the land), I started to find North Korea only 90% evil, and then only 80%.
And suddenly, the whole dam cracked, and burst.
Following the logic, I become more in favour of the Northern regime’s goals than even the most sympathetic of my students. Everything, every North Korean sin, had a question, a challenge, and every question had more than one possible way to interpret an answer. I found myself thinking, ‘If I were in THEIR shoes… OF COURSE I would do what they do.’
Thus mentally freed, I have stricken their country’s name from my own private blacklist, until, as any other government, they do something worthy of revulsion — certainly not the constant assurances of peace coming from their news organs, that almost no American bothers reading, content instead to convict and execute millions over a few miserably miscontexted “threats”.
Here and there, I still stridently disagree with North Korean policy, and do not yet wish to go there — I have babies here. I like it here. But God willing, someday, I will go, without fear. And if so, I will go to serve.
People go there without understanding. They go to privately scoff at the place; the more righteous ones go to subvert the country, to fix it, to remake it in their own image, to dominate it. But even they tend to come back uncertain of their domination. Dennis Rodman and Jimmy Carter, these caricatures of public figures, have risen now, in my sight, to heroic stature, at least on the North Korea question. Only they and a few like them have any flicker of humanity toward their fellow human beings in that hated land, and any desire to comprehend the motives of their unlucky leaders. The rest are satisfied to hate, fear, and bully, exacerbating whatever badness exists.
Against this backdrop of isolation, three days ago, on the anniversary of a much uglier incident, North Korea achieved an unthinkable success with their highest yet launch, a missile that could theoretically reach their enemy’s far-off shores — in other words, a TRUMP-like victory, against the whole world. I applaud them for it.
Trump himself, I must strongly differ with on this issue. Despite being first criticized for being overly friendly with North Korea (and earning North Korean praise for it), early in his presidency he adopted the hawkish biases of the U.S. military, Japan, and South Korea, and has not yet moved past them. The man unfairly judged and hated, the pariah president, has not yet fairly judged Gim Jeong-eun (the proper spelling of Kim Jong-un), though he has shown some inklings of empathy. The new president trying to break from the mistakes of past rule has not recognized that North Korea’s still impressionable young leader is also a new man, with no hand in any expired wrongdoing.
Well, if any of my zero readers want to be walked through North Korea’s blatant justifiability, let me know. To summarize it, the “technical state of war” has been almost bloodless for five decades; U.N.’s American-led ‘illegalization’ of nuclear defense is arbitrary, ad-hoc, self-serving, and unenforceable; America nuclearized Korea long before the Gim dynasty ever did; North Korea is literally surrounded by friendly and less-friendly nuclear neighbours; North Korean test launches, in mimicry of those of its neighbours and foes, have been deliberately safe; North Korea not only repeatedly confesses peaceful intentions, but has almost no possibility of successfully prosecuting a campaign of aggression; and sanctions only hurt North Korean poor and stunt the country’s modernization.
Anyway, now, with the latest launch, I start to find people arguing more determinedly against a first strike. Maybe peace is now closer ahead. Korea deserves it.